Heaven is Temporary
“Mom, what if this is heaven?” asked Julia, my nine year old. She does not have a formal religous background. I have often questionned myself on the very thing she asked. I see suffering and pain in this world. Surely this can’t be heaven. Does pain exist in heaven? Maybe this is just an extension of heaven, like a playground of sorts? A temporary playground kind of like childhood is to an adult, fleeting and here only for a moment? I continue to link heaven to my existance here on earth because I think it is truly a miracle to be surrounded by so many amazingly beautiful souls that I can claim as family and friends.
I also know that I am lucky. I understand that I am privledged and can have the benefit of calling this place heaven. Surely I have not suffered the blows that so many others have. I know what a difference a day can make when faced with an astonishing amount of grief, or pain, or disappointment. This past year has been eye opening. I watched children that came with an adult crossing the border to be later separated from their adult sibling. It was so very painful to see and to hear that I could not sleep at night for days and struggled to understand how I can lie in a warm bed at the edge of a private hill overseeing the majestic panorama while little children just a few miles down from here were in facilities that looked so cold with their little foil blankets and suffering for what could only be fear and pain of such a dramatic separation from a loved one. Yet, here I was, with my nine year old daughter sleeping and resting so calmly next to me. I would cry silently in the dark as I watched my daughter sleep. I still cry.
How is this fair? Now I sound like my daughter when she is upset and brings up the question of fairness to me on some silly shit. The fairness question almost always enrages me. Why? What does she know about fairness I ask myself? How dare she bring up fairness when she has no clue what to weigh it against but her short sighted and self abosred little ego? Yet, when we are huting or in pain, we may have asked the fairness or unfairness of such circumstances set upon us at some point.
How is heaven even possible to exist here on this very unfair place we call Earth? Why do we blame Earth for such pain? It’s as ridiculous as blaming God for such pain. When we stop blaming and feeling sorry for ourselves we can look in the mirror and accept that we are the creators of such love and pain. That we can choose to make this heaven or hell. Our choices bring consequence that will bring in one room but echo and affect beyond our short sighted ignorance be it good or bad. Interpretation is always tricky and constantly changing. How can this be heaven? Yet, there is a thin veil that sometimes lifts and unexpectedly, there it is. Beauty. Hope. Joy. Heaven peeks in and there we are. Like waves of a cool breeze on a hot summer day. Like the beautiful cry of your child after hours of painful laboring to birth. Like the flood of relief and joy when we realize that we are ok and that some pain was a wake up call of sorts to further humanity away from its darkness. We all carry darkness. We can harness it, wrestle with it, chat with it, dismiss it, or try to undersand it without giving it power.
Is it by accident that I am my father and mother’s child? Did we choose to meet here in this place?
I understand how temporary this experience is and I look around me to see the souls that I truly love and feel so very privleged to be surrounded by. My grandparents, yet they came, they loved me and then they left. My brothers and sisters are generous, nobel and kind souls that surround me today. How lucky am I to have them as my tribe as my playmates and as my welcome party to this life? I see the individuals who have crossed my path, some of whom I have dearly loved and other who barely made a trace on my experience, they were all gifts that I can appreciate. Others brought gifts thatwere just life lessons that carried over the entire rest of my experience.
If this is where we agreed to meet so we can enjoy a life together at least for a little bit and endulge in our crazy personalities and choices, then indeed this is heaven or an extension of it. I say this because when we go back home outside of this experience, I really hope I get to see or be with them again. I really hope we can rejoice and have fun in eachothers company once again. Heaven was fleeting on Earth. Perhaps we can play again or just be at peace with those we loved and loved us back?
Heaven is tricky, I guess.
