There Really Might Be a God after All

A pandemic has pushed me further to conclude that there really is a powerful force out there that disguised in darkness brings hope.  No, it forces change when none is expected.  When none is necessarily wanted.

I know that as humans we create meaning to events and experiences that just by observation are a series of events without meaning.  And through our own story telling and lense we create personal meaning as a way to understand or at least to try to understand the world.

I am not here to discourage anyone from their faith.

Not at all.

Do not feel sad or pity my lack of faith as it has been my experience and only mine alone that has driven me to this space.  I made peace with it a long time ago.  I am not scared.

There have been subtle ways that life continues to provide light in the middle of doubt and in the midst of a global pandemic.  So much so that it would be irresponsible of me not to acknowledge that there really might be something far bigger at work.  Here is one small insignificant example, but throughout this series I will share more.

When I began to give up on the idea of a god, I had no choice but to look at man and believe in her humanity and swallow her imperfections as part of the totality of life expressing itself.  In life there are always tough and cruel experiences all species go through.  And NO,  life is not fair because we don’t know what fair is in the larger scope of this unending series of acts and consequences.  Still, I chose woman.  I chose to let go of religion and created an intangible force of life that despite my inability to relate to our daily worldly gods, was my way of holding by a thread on the idea that there is a power beyond my understanding.  But you know what behind man or woman, there is still something veiled very o so slightly in the background.  I call it grace.  I believe this higher power speaks to me in this form.  Grace.

This is what I want to believe:

That death is like falling asleep and waking up to a different life where we are no longer trapped in our bodies but go back to our original form as light but we recognize one another not by form but by the very energy we embodied here on earth.  This idea allows me to believe that I can hug my abuelita Julia again, and when I’m gone, I will still be able to hold my little girl, Julia in a motherly embrace.  I will be able to argue and play with those energies that I debated all day long for fun.  I will be surrounded by a community of cats that purr with their delightful energy.

That I will write poems in form of breez paying with a child’s hair or in the sound of a wave crashing the shore.  My heart will watch over humanity with love and patience….and provide others grace when they least expect it.  I mean if I’m energy, I hope I am useful still in this invisible world I wish to be in.

The truth is we don’t know what happens when we die.  Our fears are so immense that the religious state and claim they know exactly what happens and how it will go down.  But we all know they have no clue.  It is just fear desperately holding on to this claim in hopes that if the everlasting sleep is real that there may be hope to not really die but to pass on to a gated community where there is a book of your story with right and wrongs and you hope that your rights outweigh the wrongs enough to allow you access to this very special and private community.  And oh, don’t feel badly for those imbeciles who did so much wrong and evil.  They can’t get access to this community….unless god has a sense of humor and of course they do make it in.  My point is this:  all I know is that I just don’t know nor do I pretend to know.  I am ok.

I prayed for friends.

I know it sounds sad.  I assure you it is not.  I already have had the privilege of experiencing some really wonderful friendships throughout my life.  I’m just not as social as my laziness would like to be.

But last year I prayed.  That’s right, the gal who’s faith in a god has been fading for years actually prayed.  I asked the universe to share with me some great gals and guys to be friends with and to learn from.